I thought I think too much

  As we try to calmly settle ourselves down into another lockdown,  I find myself, as usual, revisit the things that has emerged itself into a pattern. And being the pattern loving human that I am, who always tries to see familiarity in things unfamiliar, I think it sort of gives a little dot in my GPS of understanding the grand scenario. However that might end up looking like. I understand, Picking out and believing the unfamiliar will somehow be something that makes sense is sort of like a leap of faith. More so in times like these,  Where we have extra time to listen or read other's pattern of thoughts (which might be total unfamiliarity to us), can get a little overwhelming. From the multiple voices screaming "jump now" or "don't jump" or even a random question "we can jump?". All of a sudden you're at a point of being annoyed by all the different voices saying a myriad different things from mismatched directions at about 100 kms per hour, ...

I think we've all experienced some sort of grief this past year. Some more than others. We're all conditioned to think of grief as losing someone. Like when people go away Or when they passed. And it is. It is grief to the rawest form. Having someone ripped out of your life, erased. Just like that. But this year grief has shown it's face in more ways than what we're used to. Or what we've been taught. Like grieving over losing a sense of normalcy. Because, this is what I think. No one ever really understood what normal is. Maybe it's what's typical of things. Maybe it's what's expected. Maybe it's what's keeping the world spinning. In an order where no one really understands where to start questioning. Then came last year, Where we're reminded that with order, there also needs to be chaos. Where what is expected needs to exist with things that are unexpected. Where the things we've learned needs to walk alongside the chapter of a book...

 I think I won't be alone in saying that 2020 has been one crazy ride.  In all the craziness of it, I lost the thing I have always took pride in, my cheat sheet on how to balance everything.  The one thing I have over and over told most everyone is the key to my saneness in what I do for a living. I was that person who found the rhythm of life, able to sense a high tide around the corner, or the low tide waiting to hit me from the back. Life was under control, I knew what to do before things effected me mentally. I had my way of getting things back the way I like things to be, or feel. I know where things belonged, I knew the pattern of life, the pattern of people and the pattern of thoughts. Writing all that down, I see that I have been way too over confident in trying to figure out the impossible, trying to figure out the way the world turns before it does. And turns out I don't know shit. At the beginning of 2020, after a late night meditation I "heard" or "fe...

I think there's a misconception going around. A sort of fallacy of the human mind, about inner peace, about the wiring of our souls, about what filter should be used to show happiness, and how many likes you should earn to convince the entire population that you have found yourself. I think there's a fog of delusion covering our truths. A drug that's circulating freely amongst our minds. Handed out like grace but robbing us of our existence. Given like free meals for the poor but the more you have the less you'll see. Thrown around every day like prayers for the lost, yet the more you take the further you are from home. And that is where we are, As far away as we can get from the truth of our being. As deranged as we have been since we started wars by greed. As distorted as we deny ourselves to be. And that is the truth of how exposed our lies are. Our lives are. The lies of our lives are. Sad isn't it? It isn't though. ...

Nak, Jangan pernah lupa Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah tidur Hanya kita yang terlelap Dalam janji Dalam rasa Dalam angan Dalam diri, Nak, Jangan pernah lupa Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah pergi Hanya kita yang tertutup Oleh janji Oleh rasa Oleh angan Oleh diri Nak, Jangan pernah lupa Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah lelah Hanya kita yang terkapar Karena janji Karena rasa Karena angan Karena diri Nak, Jangan pernah lupa Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah rela untuk tidur Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah rela untuk pergi Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah rela untuk lelah Demi JanjiNya Demi RasaNya Demi AnganNya Demi Dirimu, Nak.

I have learned early in life the easiest thing to say is "yes". I have heard it from you the most. I have seen how satisfied he was when you said "yes". "Who is this little thing, sad eyed with her little knuckles white as sheet holding her dignity?" I know back then he was doing all he can to drown your courage to say "no". And you couldn't bare to look at him, straight in his eyes. While all he did was look straight past the warrior hidden inside you. Spit on your eyebrows, he mockingly said, "Who is this little sweet face, pretending to stand tall as the mountains?" I know how he treated you like you're a toy. And we were pieces of insignificant puppet in his convoluted dollhouse. I know how you covered me, braced yourself up and stood straight, weakly shouting "no!" He looked at you annoyed. "Who is this little ungrateful piece of trash, her voice so vain and her cry so somber". I know I...

You know how everybody else's first word was "yes"? And yours was "no". They looked at you funny. "Who is this little thing, wide eyed with her little knuckles balled into a fist?" You know back then everybody was trying to get you to say "yes"? And you looked at them straight into their eyes and kept saying "no". They looked at you laughingly. "Who is this little cutie, eyebrows so strong  it formed a mountain?" You know how they tried to give you dolls so you would give in and say "yes"? And you stood up straight, feet planted like roots of a banyan tree, and you shouted "no!". They looked at you annoyed. "Who is this little brat, her voice so little but her roar so loud?" You know how you were a tiny human of only two? And I watched how at that moment you grasp the world by your hands. Realizing what you believe is what you're fighting for. Knowing your sights are fixed to the top of th...

Look, I expect nothing much from this road that I have chosen. I have always been one to be just okay with whatever is in front of me. Or with whoever is beside me. Or whatever they're doing around me. Ok well, maybe that's a little lie. Fine, that's a lot of lies. I'm human. I have expectations. I have made peace with that. I have made peace with how intricate my train of thoughts are. I have navigated the little nooks and crannies of my imperfect logic. I have grown to know and learned to love the many biases I came across. Or so I thought. I thought I have held my views and principles so close to my heart that it became who I am. I thought that there is no way I would ever doubt what I feel or what I see. Or that I would start to question if I'm being hopeful or naive. If I'm being overly idealistic or it's the truth. I guess, that's the core of the problem. That I'm surrounded by too many truths. And in the process I h...

This is, In no way a contemplation Or a stage for me to share my revelation. But 2016 has been one hell of a ride. And if I can say one thing about it, 2016 has been liberating. It felt like somebody, or something, twisted my insides and pulled it out. I learned what it felt to be scared. That I haven't calculated or observed every little thing that will and can happen. I learned what it felt to have almost lost your mind. That I haven't quite found the key to letting go. Or at least, Letting it go completely. I learned I needed more time to process the world around me. That I have little patience when it comes to the people closest to me. Or at least, The little patience I had left for them was shattered by my own expectations. I learned how hard it was to continue to listen When all I want to do is to scream. To shake them awake. And point them towards the very obvious exit. I learned, and this is hard to admit.... I learned to completely observe. ...

You know, It would make your world so much easier If you can see what I see when I see you. Well, That was a lot of seeing. Heh.... It is, isn't it? But I have seen so much more in you than what you will ever see in yourself. In some tragic way, Maybe it's your cross to bear. That you see beauty in everyone around you but yourself. That you stood with your mouth open when you saw pieces of history in museums. But stood blind with how your history made you into a breathing art. How your strength is far beyond a zero to ten scale. How it molds and shapes into a qualitative paragraph... No... Essay. A qualitative essay of what it truly means to be strong. Cause it blends, and it changes. Like the waves we have seen, Your strength is an ocean. And how when you laugh, The walls around you for a second disappears. And I can tell you this, For just a second I saw what you have been hiding. And it was okay. It was just you. A more vulnerable and float...

I've always been the kind of person that likes to put myself outside of a circle It's easier to observe from there. The way people carry themselves looks far more different, cause you see how they hold on to their energy. Like how that lady isn't as excited as the woman she's talking to. And how the lady she's talking to is an open book. Humans are interesting in a way we might not know. We think we've found home in the interactions with others. Cause we're made to understand that we're a social being. That without others, there's no point in being. Like how that mother holding her baby, feels that she's carrying her world. Cause for now, that's what her baby is to her. Her world. Humans are a creature of meaning. We try to give meaning to everything around us. Then those meaning becomes our priorities. The more weight the meaning we give, the higher they are on our list. But then the more things we experience, The more...

Mungkin karena pekerjaan saya yg enggak umum, orang2 yg ketemu saya suka banyak yg nanya2 tentang keseharian saya. I don't mind, if I can let you borrow what I do, I would. Dari sekian banyak pertanyaan yg orang suka tanya, ada satu pertanyaan yg sering ditanyain.  "Jadi kamu bisa tau mana orang yg jahat?" First of all, definisi jahat menurut saya sangat subjektif. Akan sangat beda kalau yg nanya adalah perempuan yg baru diselingkuhin dan laki-laki yg baru dipermalukan oleh temannya di depan bos mereka. Dari pertanyaan yg sebenernya bisa dijawab cukup dengan "iya" atau "tidak" ternyata enggak cukup karena the term "jahat" sangat luas.  Second of all, mungkin karena saya terbiasa - atau mungkin membiasakan diri - melihat karakter orang through the bigger picture, bener-bener untuk menentukan seseorang baik atau jahat sangat susah. Ini buat saya pribadi lho.  Tapi here's an example.  Ada seorang karyawan, si A misalny...

I've always been fascinated by Mary Poppins since the first time I saw the movie, that was way back then.  I remembered thinking, when I watched the movie again in my teens, that every family needs a Mary Poppins. She/He doesn't have to be the parents of the child, because who are we kidding, no matter how old we get, a friendly reminder in a gentle voice saying what we need to swallow a bitter medicine or a painful break up is just a spoonful of sugar. Or maybe on Monday mornings, a cheery voice telling us to find the fun in our 9 to 5 routine will help it go by like a game. And today, I watched it again, I'm now way past my childhood phase, and my teenage years are long gone. But nothing has changed, I still think we all need a Mary Poppins in life. Especially this quote from Mary Poppins; We probably thought Fairyland is a magical place filled with candies, toys, and probably puppies. But as past-quarter-life me heard it again, I understood. ...

I've been fortunate enough To be surrounded by souls that are born with an itch. I've been blessed enough To have learned so much with souls that knows how it feels to be incomplete I have then... been shared enough to understand love and pushed enough to let things go. To let things fall slowly through my fingers... So slow that I can just grasp it back and hold it close again. But I have been taught... ...maybe not enough... at least not yet... But I have known that everything that falls, they will fall right into place. That things are the way it should be, at least for now... And I have always been taught to feel blessed enough that things are in their places... And maybe one day I'll wake up to feel just one thing missing... But I'll see that I am still and forever will be surrounded by souls that holds me close. Slowly... Grasping me tight on days where my shadows seems to haunt me and my darkness smiles at my fears. Because I have won. ...

Whenever someone tells me to imagine my happy place, I always close my eyes and smell the clean air of a night filled with stars... Not too hot, not too cold. Just enough for a handful of oxygen to breathe in and make love in my lungs. On top of a mountain, overlooking the city lights just a few miles away. Cause then I'll be alone...but not too alone. I'll be in solitude...but still surrounded by lives. I'll be just by myself...but still aware that I'm part of something else. Whenever someone tells me to listen to the sounds surrounding me, I always hear a faint radio in the background. The songs changes from time to time. Like right now..... ......it's Hey Jude. Not too loud, not also a whisper. Just enough to make things better. anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude refrain Don't carry the world upon your shoulders . Then I remembered, that I've tried to refrain. Just to hurt myself, To repair something I've stepped on Just to see ...

I like to think that we're all dreamers and realists at the same time. At least, I was. Or, I am. I like to think that the questions of life doesn't need to be answered so urgently. At least, maybe tomorrow. Or, never. Let it remain a mystery, let it remain a gap in the ever evolving minds of humankind. I like to think that wherever heaven lies, hell is just next door. At least, maybe a block away. Or, a few bus stop further. But make heaven fuller, so the screams and the pain of mankind that has lived by greed and hate are drowned by the laughter of children and the kisses of man and woman or man and man or woman and woman, all in love. I like to think about money, about having money, about the things you can buy. At least, maybe the things you can borrow. Or, the things you can change. To let the thing we need the most be the thing we share the most. I like to think that we're all safe. From wars and starvation, earthquakes and tsunamis, heartbreaks and...

Let me tell you this in advance.. the title above is from Lenny Kravitz's song, "It ain't over till it's over". And I'm going to tell you this in advance, when I die, please put that song on. Cos baby..it ain't over till it's over. Do anything to my body when I die... I don't care. Like an old broken down car, i'm the driver..and that piece of junk...well...u can just leave it there to rot, I don't care. Or burn it. Decapitate it. I really don't care what you do to me after I die. I'm far away and gone. I am probably floating around, waiting to live again, or just hanging around you...watching you as you sleep...and shower...and eat...................... BOO!!! HA! I dont really know where I'm going with this blog post. I'm not making fun of death or anything. Who in their right mind would ever make fun of death? I do sometimes though...to be honest. I try to look at it lightly, to get to know death. I'm weird that way. ...

I've seen way too much to be stuck in a mind that's filled with uncontrollable fears. The truth of the matter is, nothing is really controllable. Nothing is ever for certain. I've always been those that believes in my own capability. Like..fuck you, i'll be great on my own. But people change, things happen, happiness comes & goes. Truth is, and this is hard for me to even admit I was wrong...but i was wrong. Life is too big to be shared only with yourself . I'm not saying everyone needs to fall in love. You don't need a certain someone to be happy, cos happiness is a perception . Perception comes from no one else but your own mind. When I was little, people would ask me what I wanted to be. I never said I wanted to have money or be successful. I wanted to change perceptions. I wanted to change the way people look at life. So this is not a blog post. This is a reminder for myself. I swear I'll change your world. In some way we haven't found yet, but ...

This blogpost is a combination between my idealistic views and the hope of tomorrow. It's about the things I'll tell my kids. 1. Believe that whatever u have,there's always someone that has better things than you..but most of all,there's always someone out there than has none of the things that makes you happy . 2. Believe in whatever God or god or even gods you want..believe in anything that brings peace into your life.. I dont care about what you call your God,I only care that you believe in your God and that He or She will push you towards goodness . 3. Believe in your senses ,even if no one can feel or see or taste or hear what you sense. 4. Believe that every sense you choose comes with a consequence. Your parents might not find out,but karma is more than a spank in the butt . 5. Believe in karma. Believe hard that whatever you do comes back around, so make sure all you push out there is good things . I dont need you to fear hell or to dream about heaven.. karma is...

Let me start this off with me saying. If I dont spend at least a day in a week talking to u, this post isnt for u. That simple..gue bukan tipe orang yng suka koleksi temen.. what for? networking? u dont have to be friends to network...berarti ada maunya dong kalo temenan? Well maybe different person different perspective. thats MY perspective on friendship..maybe..just maybe,one day i'll look back and have a totally different perspective than now..who knows? I dont make friends with predictable person. Thats another reason why I don't "read" my closest friends. I want to spend time with people thats full of surprises, with turns, ups and downs. I like aliens. People who spend time trying to be a part of society but gave up & just live their life the way they want to. People who stand up for themselves instead of conforming to everything around. I love those people. I like people with brains too..and those that uses them. Tuhan tau lah seberapa banyak dosa yng gue ...