Frantically clicking the Skip Button

 I think I won't be alone in saying that 2020 has been one crazy ride. 

In all the craziness of it, I lost the thing I have always took pride in, my cheat sheet on how to balance everything. 

The one thing I have over and over told most everyone is the key to my saneness in what I do for a living. I was that person who found the rhythm of life, able to sense a high tide around the corner, or the low tide waiting to hit me from the back. Life was under control, I knew what to do before things effected me mentally. I had my way of getting things back the way I like things to be, or feel. I know where things belonged, I knew the pattern of life, the pattern of people and the pattern of thoughts.

Writing all that down, I see that I have been way too over confident in trying to figure out the impossible, trying to figure out the way the world turns before it does.

And turns out I don't know shit.


At the beginning of 2020, after a late night meditation I "heard" or "felt" something said "you've been too comfortable". I didn't think much of it although it's rare for me to feel or hear anything while meditating. I was too busy to take a moment to think about what it meant, I went forward with my comfortable life.

It wasn't until the whole 2020 thing happened and I lost all sense of routine and comfort that I remembered the meditation session. I was comfortable sure, I was doing things that I'm good at, having a good time while doing it too. But isn't that life? Doing things you enjoy and making the most of it while you can?

I guess? I'm not so sure anymore. And that's fine, one thing 2020 has shown me is to never be so sure of anything. After all this time, I finally let myself feel not knowing what to do for whatever it is I was feeling. To just let myself feel it truly to the core. I have been too busy, and here comes a bit of self defense, I was never irritated with the ups and downs of life.

 I understand that life isn't just one smooth ride, I know life gets you dizzy and people can be draining. But I now know that I was too quick on trying to find what I can do to get the annoying feeling to disappear just because I have things to do and people to see. I forgot to let the uncomfortableness sink into me, forgot to see the way I react to it between my breathing, then in the quickness of it I forgot to ask myself what this uncomfortable feeling is trying to teach me.


So what have I learned through whatever happened since 2020? I for one have a lot of apologizing to do for myself. For spoiling myself with the quick and easy fix. 

Now I guess we're all in a position where we don't have a quick and easy way out. But we're not stuck here. I'm not stuck here. Our progress aren't delayed. It's a maintenance period, whether you sit yourself down and be patient while you upgrade your thinking or you frantically try clicking the "skip" button, it's all up to you.

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