I thought I think too much

  As we try to calmly settle ourselves down into another lockdown,  I find myself, as usual, revisit the things that has emerged itself into a pattern. And being the pattern loving human that I am, who always tries to see familiarity in things unfamiliar, I think it sort of gives a little dot in my GPS of understanding the grand scenario. However that might end up looking like. I understand, Picking out and believing the unfamiliar will somehow be something that makes sense is sort of like a leap of faith. More so in times like these,  Where we have extra time to listen or read other's pattern of thoughts (which might be total unfamiliarity to us), can get a little overwhelming. From the multiple voices screaming "jump now" or "don't jump" or even a random question "we can jump?". All of a sudden you're at a point of being annoyed by all the different voices saying a myriad different things from mismatched directions at about 100 kms per hour,

I think we've all experienced some sort of grief this past year. Some more than others. We're all conditioned to think of grief as losing someone. Like when people go away Or when they passed. And it is. It is grief to the rawest form. Having someone ripped out of your life, erased. Just like that. But this year grief has shown it's face in more ways than what we're used to. Or what we've been taught. Like grieving over losing a sense of normalcy. Because, this is what I think. No one ever really understood what normal is. Maybe it's what's typical of things. Maybe it's what's expected. Maybe it's what's keeping the world spinning. In an order where no one really understands where to start questioning. Then came last year, Where we're reminded that with order, there also needs to be chaos. Where what is expected needs to exist with things that are unexpected. Where the things we've learned needs to walk alongside the chapter of a book

 I think I won't be alone in saying that 2020 has been one crazy ride.  In all the craziness of it, I lost the thing I have always took pride in, my cheat sheet on how to balance everything.  The one thing I have over and over told most everyone is the key to my saneness in what I do for a living. I was that person who found the rhythm of life, able to sense a high tide around the corner, or the low tide waiting to hit me from the back. Life was under control, I knew what to do before things effected me mentally. I had my way of getting things back the way I like things to be, or feel. I know where things belonged, I knew the pattern of life, the pattern of people and the pattern of thoughts. Writing all that down, I see that I have been way too over confident in trying to figure out the impossible, trying to figure out the way the world turns before it does. And turns out I don't know shit. At the beginning of 2020, after a late night meditation I "heard" or "fe