I thought I think too much

 I think I won't be alone in saying that 2020 has been one crazy ride.  In all the craziness of it, I lost the thing I have always took pride in, my cheat sheet on how to balance everything.  The one thing I have over and over told most everyone is the key to my saneness in what I do for a living. I was that person who found the rhythm of life, able to sense a high tide around the corner, or the low tide waiting to hit me from the back. Life was under control, I knew what to do before things effected me mentally. I had my way of getting things back the way I like things to be, or feel. I know where things belonged, I knew the pattern of life, the pattern of people and the pattern of thoughts. Writing all that down, I see that I have been way too over confident in trying to figure out the impossible, trying to figure out the way the world turns before it does. And turns out I don't know shit. At the beginning of 2020, after a late night meditation I "heard" or "fe...

I think there's a misconception going around. A sort of fallacy of the human mind, about inner peace, about the wiring of our souls, about what filter should be used to show happiness, and how many likes you should earn to convince the entire population that you have found yourself. I think there's a fog of delusion covering our truths. A drug that's circulating freely amongst our minds. Handed out like grace but robbing us of our existence. Given like free meals for the poor but the more you have the less you'll see. Thrown around every day like prayers for the lost, yet the more you take the further you are from home. And that is where we are, As far away as we can get from the truth of our being. As deranged as we have been since we started wars by greed. As distorted as we deny ourselves to be. And that is the truth of how exposed our lies are. Our lives are. The lies of our lives are. Sad isn't it? It isn't though. ...

Nak, Jangan pernah lupa Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah tidur Hanya kita yang terlelap Dalam janji Dalam rasa Dalam angan Dalam diri, Nak, Jangan pernah lupa Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah pergi Hanya kita yang tertutup Oleh janji Oleh rasa Oleh angan Oleh diri Nak, Jangan pernah lupa Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah lelah Hanya kita yang terkapar Karena janji Karena rasa Karena angan Karena diri Nak, Jangan pernah lupa Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah rela untuk tidur Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah rela untuk pergi Kalau Tuhan tidak pernah rela untuk lelah Demi JanjiNya Demi RasaNya Demi AnganNya Demi Dirimu, Nak.

I have learned early in life the easiest thing to say is "yes". I have heard it from you the most. I have seen how satisfied he was when you said "yes". "Who is this little thing, sad eyed with her little knuckles white as sheet holding her dignity?" I know back then he was doing all he can to drown your courage to say "no". And you couldn't bare to look at him, straight in his eyes. While all he did was look straight past the warrior hidden inside you. Spit on your eyebrows, he mockingly said, "Who is this little sweet face, pretending to stand tall as the mountains?" I know how he treated you like you're a toy. And we were pieces of insignificant puppet in his convoluted dollhouse. I know how you covered me, braced yourself up and stood straight, weakly shouting "no!" He looked at you annoyed. "Who is this little ungrateful piece of trash, her voice so vain and her cry so somber". I know I...

You know how everybody else's first word was "yes"? And yours was "no". They looked at you funny. "Who is this little thing, wide eyed with her little knuckles balled into a fist?" You know back then everybody was trying to get you to say "yes"? And you looked at them straight into their eyes and kept saying "no". They looked at you laughingly. "Who is this little cutie, eyebrows so strong  it formed a mountain?" You know how they tried to give you dolls so you would give in and say "yes"? And you stood up straight, feet planted like roots of a banyan tree, and you shouted "no!". They looked at you annoyed. "Who is this little brat, her voice so little but her roar so loud?" You know how you were a tiny human of only two? And I watched how at that moment you grasp the world by your hands. Realizing what you believe is what you're fighting for. Knowing your sights are fixed to the top of th...

Look, I expect nothing much from this road that I have chosen. I have always been one to be just okay with whatever is in front of me. Or with whoever is beside me. Or whatever they're doing around me. Ok well, maybe that's a little lie. Fine, that's a lot of lies. I'm human. I have expectations. I have made peace with that. I have made peace with how intricate my train of thoughts are. I have navigated the little nooks and crannies of my imperfect logic. I have grown to know and learned to love the many biases I came across. Or so I thought. I thought I have held my views and principles so close to my heart that it became who I am. I thought that there is no way I would ever doubt what I feel or what I see. Or that I would start to question if I'm being hopeful or naive. If I'm being overly idealistic or it's the truth. I guess, that's the core of the problem. That I'm surrounded by too many truths. And in the process I h...

This is, In no way a contemplation Or a stage for me to share my revelation. But 2016 has been one hell of a ride. And if I can say one thing about it, 2016 has been liberating. It felt like somebody, or something, twisted my insides and pulled it out. I learned what it felt to be scared. That I haven't calculated or observed every little thing that will and can happen. I learned what it felt to have almost lost your mind. That I haven't quite found the key to letting go. Or at least, Letting it go completely. I learned I needed more time to process the world around me. That I have little patience when it comes to the people closest to me. Or at least, The little patience I had left for them was shattered by my own expectations. I learned how hard it was to continue to listen When all I want to do is to scream. To shake them awake. And point them towards the very obvious exit. I learned, and this is hard to admit.... I learned to completely observe. ...